As I come up on my one year anniversary of not smoking, I have to get this off of my chest. At the time I am writing this, the "Martin's last cigarette smoked" counter reads "357 days," but that's not exactly true because not too long ago I cheated and smoked for a few days.

Yes, I broke down and bought a pack, and yes I smoked all of it over the course of those few days.

No, I am not resetting the counter even though, literally, my last cigarette was in the much nearer past than 357 days. To tell you the truth I was so sure I was going to make it that I never planned for how to handle the counter if I slipped off of the wagon. I did think about it when the need finally arose, and I've decided better to leave it be. After all, it's there for my own motivation more than to prove anything to anybody else, and if I see how long it's been since I decided to quit and did it, it will make me happier. I know I cheated, and it's not like I'm lying to myself. I just need to see how long it's been that I've been a non-smoker, because to be honest when I cheated I felt like a non-smoker who happened to be smoking. Sort of like friends I have who smoke when they drink or whatever. Or like my pops when he bums one now and then from my sister when she's visiting though he otherwise doesn't smoke and hasn't for a long time. And no, I'm not planning to start smoking occasionally.

I'm a little upset that I didn't make it a full year without slipping. I suppose I can make it a full year (or more!) without slipping again though, so there are still milestones to look forward to.

One great thing is that I quit without cheating for so long that when I finally did break down and pick up a pack, even just smoking 5 or 6 a day for a few days was enough to make me actually not feel so good. Like, I notice my cough coming back and my chest feeling tight and my heart beating a little too hard at night when I lie down to sleep. I notice that I get short of breath sooner. I did notice that I felt better after I'd been quit for a while, but I didn't realize how much better until I brought back the "before" picture right next to the "after" picture. I'm sure the real "before" picture is actually worse, because there's no way this one pack of smokes has my lungs as pissed as they were for the 13 years I smoked the first time around.

Anyway, I'm still quit, so don't worry, but I really did want to clear the air about it so I don't feel like I'm hiding things from everyone. I told a couple people almost right away, and I really didn't want it to get out, but sitting here tonight I'm thinking I'll just feel like a heel if I don't come clean. Also, writing it down is like admitting it to myself. So there you go.

what's on:
"Baltimore" (Wankatorium - USA)